Modern Romance: Collin Outerbridge

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Modern Romance

Guest:Collin Outerbridge

From the series:Modern Romance (Day 1 of 2)

Air date:October 21, 2024

Collin:It’s not the Instagram caption of the anniversary trip in Rome that makes marriage beautiful. It’s all of the hardship, and hard work, and faithfulness, and attentiveness, and sacrifice that allowed that moment to happen that makes marriage beautiful.

Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com.

Ann: This is FamilyLife Today!

Dave:Alright, so today we get to talk about modern romance. When you hear that term, what do you think?

Ann: “Happiness.”

Dave:“Happiness”? I think, “Work.”

Ann: It is actually work. I don’t think we go into marriage thinking that it will be work; because when we’re dating, romance is just such a key component in a relationship. And so when you think of working at it, it feels counterintuitive: “What do you mean we have to work at romance?”

Dave:Yeah. Well, romance is where we’re going today. We got Collin Outerbridge with us. And Collin, I don’t know if I want to call you Mr. Romance; but you are a pastor who did a series on romance, right?

Collin:Yes; I wonder if my wife would call me Mr. Romance. That’s my goal—

Ann: I’m going to ask her later.

Collin: My goal in life is just for her to call me Mr. Romance.

Dave:We’re going to ask her—

Collin:Yeah; sounds great.

Dave:—if you’re Mr. Romance. You’re a pastor of Nona Church, here, in the Orlando area. Tell us a little bit about your church.

Collin:Yeah; Nona Church is a beautiful community, a multi-site church here, in the city of Orlando. We love serving our community. We’ve seen God do some really special things in helping people know and take their next best step in following Jesus.

Dave:So did you grow up thinking, “I want to be a pastor”?

Collin:No, I grew up thinking I want to be Mr. Romance; that’s what I thought.

Dave: You could be both!

Collin: I guess so; yeah. No, that was not the vision or hope of my life when I was younger. I was—yeah, like most kids—wanted to be an athlete, wanted to be famous, wanted to do something like that. But when I got to college, there was a mentor in my life who pursued me—as a coach, as a friend—helped me open up the Bible, learn about Jesus. When I understood the depth of God’s grace, it transformed my life; and I wanted to spend the rest of my life helping other people know about Jesus.

Dave: Well that’s cool. Talk about your family a little bit. If you’re Mr. Romance, we got to hear about Mrs. Romance.

Collin:Yes; well, my wife, Stacey’s my best friend. We’re high school sweethearts.

Dave:Really?

Collin:Yes; we have been together for 20 years and been married for 15. We dated in high school, dated through college, got done with college as fast as possible so we could get married and have four amazing kids. Our oldest is 14, freshman in high school this year, so pray for me. We’ve got a 12-year-old daughter in middle school and 2 boys who are 16 months apart. Last night, the house was just filled with wrestling matches; and it was quite an entertaining moment. So love our family—tons of energy—and wouldn’t want it any other way.

Ann: That’s really fun. Let me ask you—so with your church, when you have a series on romance or marriage; and I know that part of the series you even had: “How to Choose the Right Person”; how to do that—when we did that at our church, the attendance grew: “Does that happen?”

Collin:It does seem like, whenever we talk about romance, folks show up; and they keep on showing up.

Ann: Why?—do you think?

Collin:I think that, if you were to look at the majority of points of pain in people’s lives, romance in relationships are one of those places where people carry regret and, simultaneously, want to have hope. I think there’s a world of information out there that people have leaned into, trying to figure out how to get relationships and, oftentimes, find them wanting. And so, when the church addresses questions that people are asking, folks lean in; because if we connect our faith to our everyday life, how we relate to one another, romantically, really matters. I think people get really excited about the opportunity to learn and see what God might have for them.

Dave:So you take us wherever you want. I’m guessing we’re going to talk about how to build a healthy relationship.

Collin:Yeah, I would start with this. I think the reality is that the modern world’s take on romance is broken, and it is breaking us. The statistics are so clear that, in a world where we are thinking we have more freedom than ever before—in a world where we have more options than ever before—you would think that with increased freedom, or autonomy, and increased options, people would be happier in their romantic relationships. But the data shows that the direct opposite is happening: that people are experiencing the pain of divorce, that they are experiencing the pain of betrayal, and that they’re experiencing the result of real loneliness in ways we haven’t seen before in the history of the world. And so what ends up happening is people are looking around, saying, “Okay, I’ve read the book; I listened to the podcast; I pursued what the world has to offer when it comes to romance, and I’m finding these things to be empty or leading me down a path that ends up in regret and sorrow.”

The reason why we’ve called the series “Modern Romance” is we wanted to go, head on, and identify: “What are the lies of the modern framework for romance?” and “How can we help people experience a better way by following Jesus?” So modern romance is broken, and it is breaking us.

Dave:So what are the lies? You just mentioned lies.

Collin:Yeah, I think there are three lies that we’re seeing in our culture. The first one is the soulmate myth. The soulmate myth is: “There is one person in the world, who is going to fulfill my needs,”—think Jerry McGuire—“You complete me.” Interestingly enough, the whole idea of a soulmate is actually borrowed from pagan religion; it is not a Christian concept at all. It actually comes where Zeus took human beings, and as a way of punishing them, divided them in half. The original human being had two heads and four arms and Zeus divided people in half, and we spend the rest of our lives searching for our other half. I think our movies, and our music, and our TV shows all kind of embody this imagination that: “If you can find the right person, you are going to feel whole and complete.”

I think what ends up happening is we pass on really great people, because they don’t fit one or two things that we were hoping would be true in our future mate. And the result of that is we keep on wandering—from person, to person, to person—thinking the next one’s going to be the right one. When, in reality, God might’ve been putting great people in front of us that we could have said, “Yes,” to and built something great with.

Ann: Do you have any illustrations of that? I’m guessing you do; because I’ve talked to people, who have said, “Oh, this person—they’re my best friend; they’re amazing—but I’m just not vibing, physically, it seems like with them.”

Collin:Oh, yeah; absolutely. I mean, I think it’s simple things like: “He loves God; he’s an amazing leader; he’s kind, and gracious, and compassionate. He’s got the character that I would want in a man; but he’s 5’11”; he’s not 6’2.”

Ann: Like this is real; this isn’t a joke.

Collin:Oh, this is a real thing. Or the reverse—men saying—“She loves God; she is amazingly talented; her character and integrity is exactly what I would hope for; I enjoy being around her; she’s got a great spirit about her, but I’m not sure if we like the same football team.” I mean, it is wild—some of the things that I hear people say—that, in many ways, create this dynamic where we are expecting perfection from a partner; and we’re evaluating people based upon performance instead of who they are as people.

I think that that myth—that soulmate myth—creates a world of competition; it creates a world of performance; it creates a world of evaluation. We’re in dating relationships: people not looking at the other, as a human being, to be loved and cared for, but as an asset that can either bring or add value to their life.

Dave:So what do you say to the husband or wife—because this is in the church, too—

Collin:Yes.

Dave:—the soulmate idea: “There’s one; God has one”? You think you married that one. So I’m thinking there’s a husband or wife, listening right now, and they’re like, “What’d he say to me, when I’ve realized that I don’t think this is the one? We’re struggling; I don’t feel,”—and I may be in our fifth, or tenth, or fifteen year of marriage—”I think I missed it.”

Collin:Yeah; I think the foundation of Christian marriage is hesed love; it is self-giving, self-sacrificial love. It is not how we feel about a person on a particular day that makes marriage great. It’s that we’ve made commitments to a person; and that, over time, is what makes marriage great. It is the commitment that holds us; and that commitment, oftentimes, materializes in the feeling of love, and care, and compassion that exists far beyond a moment or a time. Listen: “She may never close the kitchen cabinets the way that you want them closed,” “He may never throw his socks in the laundry hamper; they may always be right next to it.” But I think, so often, what can happen in the narrative of today’s culture and world, with relationships, is we pay attention to all of the things that a person that we’re with doesn’t have instead of indexing and focusing on the things that they do have that matter the most.

Ann: I’m with you on this. I feel like if, at the end of the day—because what we can do, at the end of the day, is rehearse all the wrongs that happened: what our spouse did wrong; maybe, even what we did wrong—but instead of having that heart of bitterness, having this heart of gratefulness. Kind of going back into our heads—and this takes self-control and discipline—”These are the good things that happened,” “These are the good things I saw in you, my mate, today,” and “…this week,” and “…tonight.” If we could do that, it could change everything. That hesed love—that’s a Spirit-filled love—we can only do it by the power of the Spirit.

Collin:Absolutely; and that’s why I think these modern myths of romance are addressed and debunked by the power of hesed love. The soulmate myth is removed when you think about hesed love—because it’s not about finding the perfect person—it’s about keeping your eyes on a perfect Savior.

Ann: That’s good.

Collin:When it comes to the next myth of modern romance, I think one of the key elements that we see is that we live in a world that values endless options. I think—to your question, Dave: “What do we do, when in a marriage relationship, we wonder, five years in, ten years in, fifteen years in: ‘Is this the right person?’”—part of it is making the intentional decision to say, “I’m not going to play the game of options.” I find, so often, that people treat relationships like it’s a Cheesecake Factory menu. You can get anything you want at the Cheesecake Factory; but in the end: “Is it good for you?” and “Is it going to be fulfilling or satisfying in the long run?”

And the research shows over, and over, and over again, couples that stay together—couples that endure hard moments, couples that are able to walk the long path of a hard medical diagnosis or a challenge in their work environment—that’s the crucible that actually forms the deepest points of connection. It’s not when we’re at our best that marriage is special and beautiful—it’s always special and beautiful—it’s not when we’re at our best that we really find ourselves enjoying the moment. It’s when we go through hardship together—and can look back on that hardship, and see how God sustained us—to see how that person loved us when it would’ve been easier not to love us.

Ann: Have you and Stacey been through some of those hard moments?

Collin:Oh, yeah. I mean, I think there have been points in our life—whether it would be grieving the loss of a loved one; or walking through the challenges of vocational decisions; and trying to figure out how to make choices around our family life, and sacrificing dreams and desires for a certain direction in a career—it’s all of those decisions that we’ve made along the way, over these 15 years. It’s the night when you can’t go to sleep, because your heart is so burdened; and your spouse chooses to stay up with you and sit with you in it. It’s when you’re worried about whether or not you’ve got what it takes; and your spouse looks at you, in the eye, and says: “No matter how this goes,” or “…what the outcome of this event brings about,” or “…whether or not you get the job or don’t get the job, I’m here for you; and I’m here with you.” It’s all of those moments that make marriage so special.

It’s all of those moments—the ones that people don’t see—that’s the thing that makes this thing beautiful. It’s not the Instagram caption of the anniversary trip in Rome that makes marriage beautiful. It’s all of the hardship, and hard work, and faithfulness, and attentiveness, and sacrifice that allowed that moment to happen that makes marriage beautiful.

Dave:Define hesed because as I hear you, I’m thinking, “There’s people listening, and going, ‘But I’ve lost that feeling; I’ve lost that. We talk about romance; he’s not romantic anymore. He used to be—something’s happened in our marriage—and I don’t feel what I felt. And yet, you talk about hesed; and I’m like, “I’m not sure I understand what that is or how to get there.”’”

Collin:So hesed is used 250 times in the Bible, primarily used to describe God and the way He relates to us. Hesed is God’s self-giving sacrificial love. It is the very orientation of God’s heart towards His people, that God asks the question: “What is in the best interest of you, and what can I do to help make that happen?” Hesed love is perfectly demonstrated in the life, death, burial and resurrection of Jesus; the fact that, when we did not deserve God’s love, and God’s favor, and God’s connection, He made a way, even through pain and hardship, to bring us into relationship to Himself. The storyline of Scripture, from Genesis to Revelation, is of a hesed God—a self-sacrificing, sacrificially-loving God—who is working on our behalf to bring those, who do not deserve Him, into relationship with Him.

So when we take that concept—and we translate that into our relationships—it, all of a sudden, turns the narrative of romance upside down.

Modern romance says: “Take me on a fancy vacation.”

Modern romance says: “Make sure that you maintain this kind of figure.”

Modern romance says: “Look a certain way,” “Act a certain way,” and “Do certain things, that the watching world might look at, and say, ‘That’s romantic.’”

But when you think about God’s romancing heart for us, it’s like doing sacrificial work that nobody else sees. I think part of it is, when we rethink what romance is in marriage—especially, as the years go by, and kids get into the picture, and we are tired—

Romance looks like cleaning the dishes, because you know that it’s going to help your spouse when they come home.

It looks like saying, “Hey hon, instead of making dinner tonight—I know you’ve had a run—why don’t we order in pizza and take a deep breath?”

It looks like writing a note, before you leave, on a sticky note and just placing it on the mirror in the bathroom.

It’s folding laundry.

It’s remembering a special moment, or even remembering a stressful moment that someone’s going through during their day, and sending them a text message, saying, “Hey, I know you’ve got a big meeting today at two o’clock. Just want you to know I’m praying for you, and you’ve got what it takes.”

I think that when we think about romance, not as the big-production-worthy thing, and we see romance as the small, everyday opportunities to go just a little bit further, in sacrifice and in love, that’s when we build the kind of marriages that we want.

Ann: I’m thinking of my parents, who were married 70 years—and they went through, as every couple does, some really hard times, some really sweet times; they had

12 grandsons—and they were in a really bad car accident, when they were in their late 80s, and my mom broke her neck. But hesed love is—I remember my dad just holding her hand, sitting by her bedside; when she would eat, he’d wipe her mouth—and as I looked at them—they’re older; they don’t have the romantic-like couples’ physique that they used to; their hands are wrinkled, and they don’t look anything like they used to—but that kind of love: I remember watching them, thinking, “That’s what I want; that’s what I want.” It’s enduring; it’s lasting; it’s self-sacrificing—we all long for it—it’s just, in the midst of it, it’s so hard!

Collin:It, absolutely, is hard. And if our imagination for where the source of romance in our life is going to come from is the person, who’s sitting across the table from us; if our muse for romance is going to be our spouse—well, we’re going to have some days, where we feel that way; and then, we’re going to have other days when we don’t—we might feel that way when he does something so extravagant and impressive that we’re moved, romantically; or she might walk into the room, and her hair is the exact way that he likes it, and all of a sudden, she can win any argument because he’s not even paying attention to what the argument is about—but the majority of marriage and life is somewhere in between.

The source of our hesed love cannot be the person we’re married to; that’s an unfair burden to put on any human being. The source of our love has to be from our understanding of how much God loves us—that God cares so much about us, as individuals, that the God of the universe is genuinely thinking every day, when I wake up, “Hey, how can I work on Collin’s behalf and do what’s in the best interest of him?” Now, when I recognize that God loves me that much—that God is working for His glory and my good—to that end, it frees me up to be able to see everyone in my life, especially the person that I’ve made vows to, as someone who is worthy of myself giving sacrificial love; because I’m drawing from a well and a resource that is endless. God’s love for us is endless, and it’s not conditioned upon how He wakes up on any given day, feeling about us. God’s love for us is immutable and unchanging; and when I allow that to be my source, that’s when everything, I think, flows in a healthy way.

Dave:Now what would you say to a couple, who’s listening, and they had that? They sort of started that way—and again, it could be a few years or decades in—and they’ve sort of lost it. Maybe, they’re buying into modern romance—I don’t know why—but they’ve lost it. How do you get hesed back?

Collin:Yeah, I think two things I would encourage you with. The first one is this: “Rebuild your relationship with Jesus.” I’m convinced of this: “To the degree you understand how much God loves you, you will be able to love others again. To the degree that you do not know how much God loves you, it will be very hard to love others consistently and over the long haul.” We live in a world that builds relationship on the framework of performance. And it’s only in our relationship with Jesus where we realize it’s not what we do, but what Jesus has done that makes us worthy of His love. And when we live in that rhythm of connection—and deep longing to know God and to be known by Him—it changes everything. So I’d say the first thing is: “Rebuild your relationship with Jesus and allow that to be your source.”

The second thing that I would say is: “Disrupt your rhythms”; it’s just a very practical piece here. If you wake up at a certain time, wake up five minutes earlier and make a decision to write down three to five things that you love about your spouse:

It could be as simple as: “I love your chicken Parmesan.”

It could be: “I love that you coach the kids.”

It could be: “I love that you have the light on at the front porch for me when I’m coming home late from work.”

I think the practice of gratitude is a disruptor: I think it reorients our hearts around the things that are good and beautiful about the person that God has given us; and now, we see them as a gift instead of a burden.

And so those would be the two pieces I would give you. The first one is: “Rebuild your relationship with Jesus; allow His love to be your source.” And then, the second piece would be: “Disrupt your life with the practice of gratitude. Don’t start your day, and don’t have a conversation with your significant other, until you’ve started it by remembering how good they are and what you enjoy about them.”

Ann: Let me ask you—you’re a dad of four; you’re married; you’re busy—I’m thinking of the husband or wife, who’s like, I” don’t even know how I get that walk with God back on track, like you’re talking about. Where do I even start? How do I make that a rhythm? What’s that look like?”

Collin:Yeah, I think that we coach people in our church through this every single week. I think that, sometimes, we overcomplicate walking with Jesus. I think that there’s really three simple choices we can make that, if we make these decisions day in and day out, it increases the likelihood that we’re going to be able to tap into that kind of hesed love that God has available for us.

The first one is this: “Pray daily,” “Pray daily.” Get some time with the Lord and allow His voice to be the voice you hear, and start an open conversation with Him.

The second piece would be: “Read God’s Word daily.” If you don’t have a good Bible reading plan, find an app. Jump into the endless options that are available—pick a devotion—and make sure you’re spending some time in God’s Word. What’s amazing about God’s Word is: for how old it is, it is as fresh and new as if it was written today. It is amazing how God’s Word transforms our lives.

And the third thing I would say is: “Find a great church.” There is something really, really powerful about choosing to get up: picking a church; finding a service time that works for you and your family; checking your children into kids’ ministry; and holding the hand of your spouse, walking into a church service, and sitting next to each other. That one-hour investment, on a weekly basis, can do amazing things in your life. But I want to challenge you that: “When you go to church, go together.” If you can, hold one another’s hand in that auditorium: husbands take your arm—and remember when you used to be at the movies, and try to do that fake-yawn thing, where you kind of lift your arm over, to cuddle in on your girl?—do that at church.

Allow these regular rhythms to serve as an opportunity for you to connect in with your relationship with God. It really is not difficult; it’s about doing simple things consistently. And when we make those decisions—the wisest, oldest people I know, who are in love with Jesus—this has been their path for year, after year, after year.

Dave:Yeah, I notice you didn’t say, “Grab her hand, and walk into the living room, and watch church.” I’m not saying anything wrong with streaming a service—we did it all the time—but man, when you walk in a building, and there’s other people: the community aspect is critical.

And I would add one last thing: “Go to a marriage conference. FamilyLife has the Weekend to Remember®. You can go to FamilyLifeToday.com and sign up for one. I’m telling you: a weekend away, focusing just on—the most important relationship in your life, second to Jesus—your marriage is transformative. You’ll be changed by Sunday; but then, you got to go home and live it; but it’ll change your life.”

Ann: And I’m just going to add one last thing: “If you haven’t talked to God in a while”—that’s just prayer—”tell Him exactly what you’re feeling. Just be honest, like, ‘Lord, I don’t even like my husband,’ or ‘I don’t even like my wife,’ and ‘I feel like You don’t love me’; and be honest”;—that’s what God’s looking for—”and then, talk to Him,”—as you said, Collin, all-day long—“Just tell Him what’s going on, because He wants to talk to us and prove that He loves us.” He did: by the cross and the gospel.

Shelby: I am Shelby Abbott; and you’ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson, with Collin Outerbridge, on FamilyLife Today. Love isn’t effortless—it’s just not—it takes work, and it needs help! And we need to admit that sometimes. I sincerely hope that today’s conversation was helpful for you. So if you want to go further, and learn a little bit more from Collin Outerbridge, he actually has a four-part video series that we’re going to link for you, down in the show notes, where he discusses “Modern Romance” in front of his church at Nona Church in Orlando. We highly encourage you to check that out, to go further into this topic of modern romance, and how Collin can address that specifically. Again, you can find a link for that in the show notes today.

And we’re entering into a season of possibly—how do I put this?—a lot of division in our country. Sometimes, the tension and division that we feel amongst our family; or our friends; or certainly, on social media can be really, really difficult. Psalm 1:33 tells us that it’s good for believers to live in unity with one another. But how do we do that?—especially, when people are often offended and can feel like connection and unity is pretty much wishful thinking.

Well, I’m excited to invite you to join us for a five-week video series from our friend—author and comedian—Amberly Neese. FamilyLife has partnered with her to put this together; it’s called “Moving Toward Each Other in the Middle of a Divisive World.” Amberly hosts this and guides us on how to build peace in our own backyards when differing thoughts, and opinions, and beliefs threaten to create division between us. So you can sign up today for this video series by going to the show notes, or you can look us up on FamilyLife.com/FindingCommonGround. Again, you can find a link for it in the show notes; or head over to FamilyLife.com/FindingCommonGround.

Do you follow us on social media? Well, you can head over to Instagram and add us at FamilyLife Insta; or just look up FamilyLife on Facebook for more regular encouragement from this ministry. We really want to help you, and we can do that over social media.

Now, coming up tomorrow, Collin Outerbridge is back again to share his insight on marriage, romance, and parenting, emphasizing Jesus’s teachings and practical tips for maintaining a strong and loving relationship. That’s coming up tomorrow; we hope you’ll join us. On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I’m Shelby Abbott. We’ll see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.

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